Match Shmatch

Over the years, one by one my friends seem to be pairing up and getting hitched.  The first close friend's wedding I went to seven years ago, and they are still happily married.  I also know a couple people who have already been through a divorce.  It's such a gamble, I've learned.  Growing up I believed there was one single person out there for each of us and that if we were lucky we could find them.  I had no doubt I would one day be a Mrs. to my soul mate.  After some heartache and growing I came to realize that's not so much the case anymore.

Maybe I had these romantic notions because of my imagination, but more likely my family.  My folks have been happily married for 37 years and still hold hands.  They are a great example of a marriage to me: they have been through both sad and happy times and stuck by each other.  I do not pretend to believe that they have been blissful years, because I know better.  The trick seems to be enjoying each other.

Imagine my frustration with the inability to find a companion.  I have love to give, experiences I want to share and more than anything, want a partner in crime.  I can only imagine how amazing it feels knowing that someone always has my back, as well as my best interest at heart.  So a while ago I signed up for Match.com in order to expand the vast potential of the fish in the sea.  After spending $70, searching for my best pictures and spending eons on a witty profile, I successfully joined other singletons.

What a crock.

I met someone pretty quickly after joining and had a great date with a guy named Anthony.  I was really rusty at meeting men, and probably immature.  But I was also freaked out this guy was going to murder me, or worse, drug me and shave my head.  So I told a few people where I would be and who with, and to call the police if they didn't hear from me again that night.  I probably should have known what I was in for when he showed up 20 minutes late and I was 3/4 done with my wine.  We talked, and it was really nice getting to know someone else, as well as all the feelings of being on a date.  Mutual attraction, flirting and best of all, free booze.  I must note that throughout my membership, however, I also met a guy who was not a single thing like his profile, and another one how asked me, "aren't you a little old to be living in [zip code] 77007?"  My response: "aren't you a little young to be living in 77057?"

We went out a couple more times over the next week or two, and then his job took him to Austin for an indeterminable amount of time.  That's when Anthony went from being a date to a douche bag.  Without getting into specifics, it didn't work out.  I admit, it had something to do with me--I acted like a stupid girl.  The kind of girl who complains about a guy, all the while you are listening to her thinking, "does she hear herself?  He's just not that into her!"  But, I was not so awful or stupid to deserve any ill treatment I got.  A few months later, he called and was very apologetic about how he had treated me.  Then I stopped hearing from him.  Again.

  

ONE YEAR LATER grade A douche sends me a Facebook email profusely apologizing for all the awful things he did that I didn't deserve.  Ah-ha!  I had him right where I wanted him, 15 months later.  Realizing this guy was just not the one for me, I played it cool and enjoyed every single second, replied (many days later) that it was ancient history and my life couldn't be better (at that time, it was very true).  He kept writing and after a month or so, I became tired of all the pointlessness and stopped all forms of entertainment.  Sorry, communication.

I've heard the phrase, "Mr. Right," and I find it appropriate.  I just want to be the ideal me before I find him, otherwise he might not really be the right guy.  I don't want to marry someone for the big wedding (which I don't want) or to have someone around (which would get really annoying).  I love my freedom.  I love having the whole bathroom, candles that smell pretty and the luxury of full reign of the remote control.  I work hard to prevent uneven mattress wear, dammit.  I know there are major advantages to being in a relationship.  But I can't help and wonder what the big deal is?  I either don't have a biological clock or it's not ticking yet, so I don't feel rushed.  For a recent birthday my dad gave my mom a digital watch with a pedometer and other nifty tricks. He said, "I got it at Costco!" A friend of mine was recently sharing some frustrations about her in-laws, and last week another went on about parenthood, all the "joys" of pregnancy and the changes in her body.  Is this what I am supposed to be looking forward to?

I know there are so many perks in relationships, far more than I let on.  And yes, of course I wish I had all those great things.  Honestly, what bothers me most at this point in my life is that I haven't met or dated anyone who even seems worth it.  I want nothing but the best for each of my newlywed friends, and hope that they have a long and happy marriage.  I just don't think that when or if the time comes for me, it will be someone I met through Match.com.  It seems more likely it's going to be another resident at the nursing home, waiting for me in the cafeteria-turned-chapel with the oxygen tank and squeaky wheelchair.  I'll probably just wear my nicest nightgown and slippers to shuffle down the aisle.